sometimes you get what you want

Today was my last day of work. Tomorrow is my "official" last day of work, but I won't be there most of the day, so the firm held a farewell lunch for me today. The office manager was good enough to oblige my food requests: catering from my favorite burrito place, cake from a Chinese bakery with fruit and whipped cream instead of butter cream (I hate butter cream, blech).

No one sang songs, but the managing partner said a few words. Then, I said a few words. And then people clapped. And then, then I got presents (presents!) I knew the lunch was coming but gifts made it extra special. Embarassed to sound like a kid, but that's exactly how I felt. It was my party, and I was getting stuff.

This necklace was something I saw in a shop and really wanted but felt it was too much to buy for myself. Nicely done, Sarah. She mentioned it to the managing partner, and he happened to know the owner of the shop, so the firm bought it for me as a going-away gift. I was really surprised and touched.

Leaving lots of nice people behind who have functioned as your alternate family is really hard. That's what working at small, labor law firms in the Bay Area has been like for me. Being adopted into a series of families. Some took better care of me than others ("we put the 'fun' back into dysfunctional"). But they all took care of me.

I know I have an issue with self-care. I have to learn how to take better care of myself. I know, I know, but I don't really know. I haven't fully learned it. Just when I got the hang of taking care of myself, by myself, someone came into my life and upset the balance. Now, I have to re-learn how to take care of myself, this time, in a relationship. Well, that's what I wanted all along. Or so I said. A loving relationship. Here it is. Totally strange to me. Not sure what to do with it yet. I know what to do with the jewelry.

(and P.S. the ring is from my sweetheart)

Courage My Love

This is not from Toronto. It's from Bali. But I was in Toronto last week when in the middle of a thundershower, I wandered into a store by the name of "Courage My Love." It was a magical kind of store (think Harry Potter meets fashion), with treasures and trinkets of all kinds from strange and distant lands. So I felt this photo was fitting. It's quite a multicultural city, that YYZ.

Toronto, of course, was on account of my Canadian sweetheart who had a conference there - where he totally geeked out (fine by me) and attended virtually all of the sessions, leaving me to my own devices. Loved it. Spent my time hopping on and off subway trains and streetcars and meandering through the streets of Canada's largest city. I enjoyed discovering the neighborhoods and feeling the summer weather. Thundershowers notwithstanding, I was on vacation. It felt, to me, like the first real vacation in a big , long while.

Holy smokes. So much has happened since my last group of totally irregular other postings that it's hard to know how far to back up. Our whirlwind probably started in April. We were nearing his lay-off date or getting notice from the company of his lay-off date or whatever, both of us deep in the throes of personal angst and confusion when we took off to go half-way around the world to attend his friend's wedding.

Maybe he had accepted the job in Seattle by then. I think he must have, since I spent a significant part of our Bali/Taiwan "vacation" interrogating him as to what his "intentions" were. Towards me, of course. Was he going to invite me to move up with him? Was he going to propose marriage? Didn't he want us to be together? How could we be together if we were living in different places? Didn't he want us to have a future together?? Etc., etc. Sometimes (I know this about myself), I can be totally evil and lack all self-restraint. So again, the photo. The Balinese seem to be at peace with evil.

Yeah, I pressured him. And eventually, he succumbed. At least, partially. We returned from Bali/Taiwan, and bounced around on a few more trips: Seattle, L.A., Seattle/Vancouver, Toronto, Seattle, etc. After an extremely stressful weekend, we managed at last to secure a nice apartment in a central neighborhood, around the corner from a cute coffee shop...in Seattle! Last weekend, we parked all his stuff there. And that's where he's at right now, in our apartment (our apartment!) until I join him in August.

In the meantime, I quit my job, accepted a job in Washington, figured out that I need to rent out my place here, realized that I need to make a thousand doctor's appointments before I leave, not yet accepted the fact that I have to pack, scheduled a going-away party instead, and argued with my therapist over and over and over about whether I've made the right choice. To be continued, clearly.