Reset to Zero

I am totally on the wrong path. Going back to school - at least this program - was a mistake. And now, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Starting to worry about all sorts of things, including money, which is why (I now recall) I held down that job in the first place. So I didn't have to worry, and no one had to worry about me. I am draining my savings and not even happy in the process. Not to whine here; I am just desperately searching for answers.

Feels like I am falling and falling these days and don't know when I'll hit bottom. When it will stop. Feels like a dream that I may, at some point, wake up from. It's possible, right? How do we know we're not dreaming? That maybe it's a dream that I took the wrong path. That maybe I'll just wake up and it will be over.

Pause

Amazing book! Or, good book with amazing moments! Just finished the chapter on "Great Rock and Roll Pauses" from the latest Jennifer Egan book and I can understand why they gave her the Pulitzer. I wonder where she started the book, whether the kernel of it was the Sasha character and this thing with her daughter's Power Point graphics - whether Egan wrote it at the start or at least somewhere in the book's infancy. Because it is brilliant. Not much in literature connects up to our actual lives so directly and (I'm wincing a little as I write the next word) profoundly like this. Wow. Makes it intimidating to try to write. But I am trying. Going to class later today.

Bloomsday! (a little late)

Bloomsday was actually two days ago, June 16th. But alas, the days keep coming. So it shouldn't matter. In college, I took an entire class devoted to 'Ulysses'. Since I am reminiscing and being literary these days, I had a pint of Guinness to mark the occasion. It was nice weather so I sat outside, and ate part of my friend's salad out on the patio of at a casual spot off the waterfront that reminded me of California. Sadly, today's weather is rainy and cool - but perfect for more writing. I saw this on the New York Review of Books website and decided that I needed to share, to let the world know, even if it is very late (I believe the poem is actually titled "James Joyce" by Borges):

In a man’s single day are all the days
of time from that unimaginable
first day, when a terrible God marked out
the days and agonies, to that other,
when the ubiquitous flow of earthly
time goes back to its source, Eternity,
and flickers out in the present, the past,
and the future—what now belongs to me.
Between dawn and dark lies the history
of the world. From the vault of night I see
at my feet the wanderings of the Jew,
Carthage put to the sword, Heaven and Hell.
Grant me, O Lord, the courage and the joy
to ascend to the summit of this day.

the Multiverse

This site may have to be shut down, but before that happens I wanted to post news of the Multiverse! Idea in a book (released yesterday) from a Columbia string-theory prof. One possibility is (why didn't we think of this before), there are many universes. There is not one universe. There is not one "everything."

Explained, in part, here: http://www.npr.org/2011/01/24/132932268/a-physicist-explains-why-parallel-universes-may-exist

Feeling (for different reasons) that life is productive again. And rich.

War of My Life

What does it mean to fear and to be fearless? What is it I'm fighting? If you have a response, let me know. Hard to admit this publicly, but I love John Mayer. I'm playing his album Battle Studies over & over. I'm at the door of my life - that's what he says. In fact, he's singing it - in a really sexy way with just the right amount of acoustic sweetness. And it helps me deal with my life right now.

I've been taking some risks professionally and personally. No more job. Home a lot, sending out resumes that get rejected & trying to cobble together a business plan for an idea in my head that I don't know if I really like, or just entertain because I can't seem to figure out what else to do.

The thing about risk is that sometimes it feels like you ought to be rewarded with things working out nicely since, hey, you did this brave thing and took a risk, right? But things don't work that way. Sometimes, you take a risk & it doesn't work out at all. Perhaps it even ends in a messy, difficult, unsatisfying way. Not fair! "Naive" you say? or "unclear on the concept"? or maybe just "loser"? I get that. When you take a leap though, at the very least, you don't drive yourself crazy guessing about what didn't happen due to your own cowardice. At least there's that.

The photos are of a bust of Geronimo by Scott Fife. He made it out of cardboard, glue, screws, scraps and stuff. Whatever was around and cheap, it appears. The bust resides in the basement of the building where I got my parking pass. Seattle is neat that way. The sculpture was striking to me. So I stopped and spent some time looking closely at the materials. The nuances of his face: the pock-marked skin; the lines around the mouth; the stringy, greasy-looking hair; the shading of different textures & different sides of cardboard (different types of cardboard maybe); the brilliant use of color - yellow where you don't expect it. Those deep eyes. That expression of serene ferocity. His roughness and lack of polish.

Pema Chondron said something like true fearlessness is making friends with fear. If you don't feel the fear, then you aren't fearless - there's nothing courageous there if you don't let yourself feel the fear.

On Madmen, earlier this season, the psychologist said something about most people's central conflict being about the difference between what's expected and who we feel like we really are. I've been thinking about roles lately - and how we're expected to play certain roles in life. In family, at work, and in love too. Fulfilling a role that someone expects of you: good husband, good wife, girlfriend, boyfriend. Employee of the month. High earner, over achiever. Good son or daughter, etc. So what if we didn't? Not just in the sense that we fall short. What if we just walked away? I think of Alanis Morissette's song: "That I would be good... ev-en if I did no-thing."

I felt so sad tonight for some reason. It's true that even when you're in a group, and even when you're with people - good people no less - you can still feel painfully lonely. It's almost worse. Tonight, I fled from our weekly tv gathering & it was so bad that when I got home, all I could do is sit down at my dining table, crumpled posture and all, and just cry for a very long time. Then, I put in a CD and played John Mayer somewhat loud, and felt better.

Don't know what I'm doing here anymore. Seattle is a hard city to break into. It's true. And these days it feels like I need to do all of it myself again - figure it all out by myself, again. And it feels like too much. How the hell am I supposed to do it? I have no idea.

Come out angels
Come out ghosts
Come out darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Than nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til it's done
So fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight til it's done

the neighborhood

Happy 5th of July. Had the annual party yesterday. Happy to report success, second year in a row! With the exception of the weather, and one guest giving up b/c she couldn't find parking, all went smoothly.

Weather report: Today was lovely & sunny by afternoon, and July 3rd was lovely & sunny by afternoon but, of course, it had to rain on July 4 by afternoon - because this is Seattle and our summer is very late this year and we were throwing a party and planning to BBQ outside. Well, the BBQ happened despite some wetness. And we went up on the roof. And the fireworks were great.

Eastlake goes kind of nuts around the 4th. 'No parking' signs everywhere. Electric bulls. Last minute block parties. People on roofs & balconies. It's wonderful - with or w/o weather. Took a walk around the neighborhood this afternoon. Saw a patch of raspberries and ate a handful. Also, saw that the Gay Team truck had moved slightly. Not sure if there was a failed attempt to drive it or what, but I love this truck. Also noticed some rainbow fireworks this year - yay! pride! represent! We, at the Shannon Apartments, had colorful laterns strung up by the main lobby window, courtesy of Jeff (of Jeff & Kenny on the 2nd floor). Festivities everywhere you look. I love where I live and, if I ever have move, will miss it dearly.

Love & Death by SIFF - Inside Out

Late addition to my why-i-love-seattle list: You can pronounce SIFF, whereas you cannot pronounce (without spitting) SFIFF. Plus, it's just a better film festival.

Saw Winter's Bone last nite & loved it. Loved the Basquiat movie too, my first SIFF of the season (which I proudly saw myself at the Harvard Exit in a half-filled theater late on a Sunday night with a handful of other artsy, solitary types). Love the fact that the weather this year has been PERFECT. Gray & drizzling and ideal for sitting in a dark theater, laughing and crying with dozens of other strangers, gathered together but also existing in their own worlds. Love this year's tagline, repeated over & over as part of their trailer before the films, reminding everyone to "Get Outside Yourself."

Spent the morning pouring over guides & reviews, etc., absorbed - as if I were back in school, discovering a fascinating new subject. I'm spending a lot more time & money than perhaps I should. But last year I missed out. And it was kind of a dud anyway, because the weather was so lovely and everyone wanted to be outside. Not just outside themselves, but outside Outside, in the rarified Seattle sunshine. You felt obliged to be outdoors, doing something healthy & "active". Ah, what a delight this year to be free to be inside again.