Love & Death by SIFF - Inside Out

Late addition to my why-i-love-seattle list: You can pronounce SIFF, whereas you cannot pronounce (without spitting) SFIFF. Plus, it's just a better film festival.

Saw Winter's Bone last nite & loved it. Loved the Basquiat movie too, my first SIFF of the season (which I proudly saw myself at the Harvard Exit in a half-filled theater late on a Sunday night with a handful of other artsy, solitary types). Love the fact that the weather this year has been PERFECT. Gray & drizzling and ideal for sitting in a dark theater, laughing and crying with dozens of other strangers, gathered together but also existing in their own worlds. Love this year's tagline, repeated over & over as part of their trailer before the films, reminding everyone to "Get Outside Yourself."

Spent the morning pouring over guides & reviews, etc., absorbed - as if I were back in school, discovering a fascinating new subject. I'm spending a lot more time & money than perhaps I should. But last year I missed out. And it was kind of a dud anyway, because the weather was so lovely and everyone wanted to be outside. Not just outside themselves, but outside Outside, in the rarified Seattle sunshine. You felt obliged to be outdoors, doing something healthy & "active". Ah, what a delight this year to be free to be inside again.

living well is the best revenge

Having wine at 2 pm with my lunch. Why not take advantage of this time? Still as confused as ever, and everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do. How the hell do I know? I'm busy having bad karma, acquiring and destroying cars in Seattle. And drinking wine with my lunch. And attending public lectures at the library & museum that only retired folks, tourists, and random people like me ever get to attend. I am going to resist my depressive impulses. And if I start getting self-destructive again, I am going to try and enjoy it.

the wheat from the chaff - regret

i feel like i've been throwing up too much self-indulgent personal stuff on here. not that anyone's reading. but i am mindful of what i keep to myself and what i put "out there". what to keep and what to throw away. i think of this as needing a bit more form than a diary, so i apologize (to whoever) for the formlessness lately. i really need to pull myself together. focus on specifics. add details, metaphors, concreteness. not just confess anxieties, etc.

having said that, i am still blue. i don't know what to do with myself lately, or what will become of me. i'm trying to meditate and do lots of yoga, and be okay with it. tried out this newfangled thing called grooveshark and pulled up a New Order song that i'm obsessed with. the old and the new. wow. how quickly the world changes. giving up on "embedding" so here's a link to the video.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=23361997

oh, what the hell:


Regret by New Order

new order | MySpace Music Videos

hard times

A drunk driver hit me earlier this evening. My new used car is in a tow lot somewhere, badly mangled, and accumulating storage fees. I only bought this car about 2 months ago. I feel like my time here in Seattle has been (more than) difficult and, at the moment, I really feel like giving up.

I shouldn't have even been there. The overseas guy came back (hence, he needs a new name), and he was supposed to call. And we were supposed to go on a walk or a hike. The short version is, he didn't call. He stood me up. It felt pretty bad, and I was distracted by it for much of the day. So I happened to be there, seeing other friends, distracting myself from the distraction.

At the exact moment I was leaving from the restaurant in my car, just as I pulled out of the parking lot, a guy who had been drinking (apparently) a lot, existing in his own world and preoccupied with his own concerns, came speeding into the same street as me. So much happens by accident.

I know I'm lucky. A few friends and good people were standing around when the accident occurred. They helped me. I could be dead; or I could be hurt. It's by chance and by grace that I am typing this now.

But these days, I have to remind myself to be grateful, remember that I'm lucky. Sometimes life is just hard to live or, it just feels hard. My head hurts a little. The drunken driver really does have the right of way.