idonthaveablog

Reset to Zero

2011-10-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

I am totally on the wrong path. Going back to school - at least this program - was a mistake. And now, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Starting to worry about all sorts of things, including money, which is why (I now recall) I held down that job in the first place. So I didn't have to worry, and no one had to worry about me. I am draining my savings and not even happy in the process. Not to whine here; I am just desperately searching for answers.

Feels like I am falling and falling these days and don't know when I'll hit bottom. When it will stop. Feels like a dream that I may, at some point, wake up from. It's possible, right? How do we know we're not dreaming? That maybe it's a dream that I took the wrong path. That maybe I'll just wake up and it will be over.

Pause

2011-07-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Amazing book! Or, good book with amazing moments! Just finished the chapter on "Great Rock and Roll Pauses" from the latest Jennifer Egan book and I can understand why they gave her the Pulitzer. I wonder where she started the book, whether the kernel of it was the Sasha character and this thing with her daughter's Power Point graphics - whether Egan wrote it at the start or at least somewhere in the book's infancy. Because it is brilliant. Not much in literature connects up to our actual lives so directly and (I'm wincing a little as I write the next word) profoundly like this. Wow. Makes it intimidating to try to write. But I am trying. Going to class later today.

Bloomsday! (a little late)

2011-06-18T12:14:00.001-07:00

Bloomsday was actually two days ago, June 16th. But alas, the days keep coming. So it shouldn't matter. In college, I took an entire class devoted to 'Ulysses'. Since I am reminiscing and being literary these days, I had a pint of Guinness to mark the occasion. It was nice weather so I sat outside, and ate part of my friend's salad out on the patio of at a casual spot off the waterfront that reminded me of California. Sadly, today's weather is rainy and cool - but perfect for more writing. I saw this on the New York Review of Books website and decided that I needed to share, to let the world know, even if it is very late (I believe the poem is actually titled "James Joyce" by Borges):

In a man’s single day are all the days
of time from that unimaginable
first day, when a terrible God marked out
the days and agonies, to that other,
when the ubiquitous flow of earthly
time goes back to its source, Eternity,
and flickers out in the present, the past,
and the future—what now belongs to me.
Between dawn and dark lies the history
of the world. From the vault of night I see
at my feet the wanderings of the Jew,
Carthage put to the sword, Heaven and Hell.
Grant me, O Lord, the courage and the joy
to ascend to the summit of this day.

the Multiverse

2011-01-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

This site may have to be shut down, but before that happens I wanted to post news of the Multiverse! Idea in a book (released yesterday) from a Columbia string-theory prof. One possibility is (why didn't we think of this before), there are many universes. There is not one universe. There is not one "everything."

Explained, in part, here: http://www.npr.org/2011/01/24/132932268/a-physicist-explains-why-parallel-universes-may-exist

Feeling (for different reasons) that life is productive again. And rich.

War of My Life

2010-09-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to fear and to be fearless? What is it I'm fighting? If you have a response, let me know. Hard to admit this publicly, but I love John Mayer. I'm playing his album Battle Studies over & over. I'm at the door of my life - that's what he says. In fact, he's singing it - in a really sexy way with just the right amount of acoustic sweetness. And it helps me deal with my life right now.

I've been taking some risks professionally and personally. No more job. Home a lot, sending out resumes that get rejected & trying to cobble together a business plan for an idea in my head that I don't know if I really like, or just entertain because I can't seem to figure out what else to do.

The thing about risk is that sometimes it feels like you ought to be rewarded with things working out nicely since, hey, you did this brave thing and took a risk, right? But things don't work that way. Sometimes, you take a risk & it doesn't work out at all. Perhaps it even ends in a messy, difficult, unsatisfying way. Not fair! "Naive" you say? or "unclear on the concept"? or maybe just "loser"? I get that. When you take a leap though, at the very least, you don't drive yourself crazy guessing about what didn't happen due to your own cowardice. At least there's that.

The photos are of a bust of Geronimo by Scott Fife. He made it out of cardboard, glue, screws, scraps and stuff. Whatever was around and cheap, it appears. The bust resides in the basement of the building where I got my parking pass. Seattle is neat that way. The sculpture was striking to me. So I stopped and spent some time looking closely at the materials. The nuances of his face: the pock-marked skin; the lines around the mouth; the stringy, greasy-looking hair; the shading of different textures & different sides of cardboard (different types of cardboard maybe); the brilliant use of color - yellow where you don't expect it. Those deep eyes. That expression of serene ferocity. His roughness and lack of polish.

Pema Chondron said something like true fearlessness is making friends with fear. If you don't feel the fear, then you aren't fearless - there's nothing courageous there if you don't let yourself feel the fear.

On Madmen, earlier this season, the psychologist said something about most people's central conflict being about the difference between what's expected and who we feel like we really are. I've been thinking about roles lately - and how we're expected to play certain roles in life. In family, at work, and in love too. Fulfilling a role that someone expects of you: good husband, good wife, girlfriend, boyfriend. Employee of the month. High earner, over achiever. Good son or daughter, etc. So what if we didn't? Not just in the sense that we fall short. What if we just walked away? I think of Alanis Morissette's song: "That I would be good... ev-en if I did no-thing."

I felt so sad tonight for some reason. It's true that even when you're in a group, and even when you're with people - good people no less - you can still feel painfully lonely. It's almost worse. Tonight, I fled from our weekly tv gathering & it was so bad that when I got home, all I could do is sit down at my dining table, crumpled posture and all, and just cry for a very long time. Then, I put in a CD and played John Mayer somewhat loud, and felt better.

Don't know what I'm doing here anymore. Seattle is a hard city to break into. It's true. And these days it feels like I need to do all of it myself again - figure it all out by myself, again. And it feels like too much. How the hell am I supposed to do it? I have no idea.

Come out angels
Come out ghosts
Come out darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Than nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til it's done
So fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight til it's done

the neighborhood

2010-07-06T00:06:00.001-07:00

Happy 5th of July. Had the annual party yesterday. Happy to report success, second year in a row! With the exception of the weather, and one guest giving up b/c she couldn't find parking, all went smoothly.

Weather report: Today was lovely & sunny by afternoon, and July 3rd was lovely & sunny by afternoon but, of course, it had to rain on July 4 by afternoon - because this is Seattle and our summer is very late this year and we were throwing a party and planning to BBQ outside. Well, the BBQ happened despite some wetness. And we went up on the roof. And the fireworks were great.

Eastlake goes kind of nuts around the 4th. 'No parking' signs everywhere. Electric bulls. Last minute block parties. People on roofs & balconies. It's wonderful - with or w/o weather. Took a walk around the neighborhood this afternoon. Saw a patch of raspberries and ate a handful. Also, saw that the Gay Team truck had moved slightly. Not sure if there was a failed attempt to drive it or what, but I love this truck. Also noticed some rainbow fireworks this year - yay! pride! represent! We, at the Shannon Apartments, had colorful laterns strung up by the main lobby window, courtesy of Jeff (of Jeff & Kenny on the 2nd floor). Festivities everywhere you look. I love where I live and, if I ever have move, will miss it dearly.

Love & Death by SIFF - Inside Out

2010-05-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Late addition to my why-i-love-seattle list: You can pronounce SIFF, whereas you cannot pronounce (without spitting) SFIFF. Plus, it's just a better film festival.

Saw Winter's Bone last nite & loved it. Loved the Basquiat movie too, my first SIFF of the season (which I proudly saw myself at the Harvard Exit in a half-filled theater late on a Sunday night with a handful of other artsy, solitary types). Love the fact that the weather this year has been PERFECT. Gray & drizzling and ideal for sitting in a dark theater, laughing and crying with dozens of other strangers, gathered together but also existing in their own worlds. Love this year's tagline, repeated over & over as part of their trailer before the films, reminding everyone to "Get Outside Yourself."

Spent the morning pouring over guides & reviews, etc., absorbed - as if I were back in school, discovering a fascinating new subject. I'm spending a lot more time & money than perhaps I should. But last year I missed out. And it was kind of a dud anyway, because the weather was so lovely and everyone wanted to be outside. Not just outside themselves, but outside Outside, in the rarified Seattle sunshine. You felt obliged to be outdoors, doing something healthy & "active". Ah, what a delight this year to be free to be inside again.

living well is the best revenge

2010-05-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

Having wine at 2 pm with my lunch. Why not take advantage of this time? Still as confused as ever, and everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do. How the hell do I know? I'm busy having bad karma, acquiring and destroying cars in Seattle. And drinking wine with my lunch. And attending public lectures at the library & museum that only retired folks, tourists, and random people like me ever get to attend. I am going to resist my depressive impulses. And if I start getting self-destructive again, I am going to try and enjoy it.

the wheat from the chaff - regret

2010-05-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been throwing up too much self-indulgent personal stuff on here. not that anyone's reading. but i am mindful of what i keep to myself and what i put "out there". what to keep and what to throw away. i think of this as needing a bit more form than a diary, so i apologize (to whoever) for the formlessness lately. i really need to pull myself together. focus on specifics. add details, metaphors, concreteness. not just confess anxieties, etc.

having said that, i am still blue. i don't know what to do with myself lately, or what will become of me. i'm trying to meditate and do lots of yoga, and be okay with it. tried out this newfangled thing called grooveshark and pulled up a New Order song that i'm obsessed with. the old and the new. wow. how quickly the world changes. giving up on "embedding" so here's a link to the video.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=23361997

oh, what the hell:

Regret by New Order

new order | MySpace Music Videos

hard times

2010-05-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

A drunk driver hit me earlier this evening. My new used car is in a tow lot somewhere, badly mangled, and accumulating storage fees. I only bought this car about 2 months ago. I feel like my time here in Seattle has been (more than) difficult and, at the moment, I really feel like giving up.

I shouldn't have even been there. The overseas guy came back (hence, he needs a new name), and he was supposed to call. And we were supposed to go on a walk or a hike. The short version is, he didn't call. He stood me up. It felt pretty bad, and I was distracted by it for much of the day. So I happened to be there, seeing other friends, distracting myself from the distraction.

At the exact moment I was leaving from the restaurant in my car, just as I pulled out of the parking lot, a guy who had been drinking (apparently) a lot, existing in his own world and preoccupied with his own concerns, came speeding into the same street as me. So much happens by accident.

I know I'm lucky. A few friends and good people were standing around when the accident occurred. They helped me. I could be dead; or I could be hurt. It's by chance and by grace that I am typing this now.

But these days, I have to remind myself to be grateful, remember that I'm lucky. Sometimes life is just hard to live or, it just feels hard. My head hurts a little. The drunken driver really does have the right of way.

Do What You Want, Be What You Are

2009-11-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

I quit my job today. Oh, and that car of mine was stolen. Oh and, indeed, I failed the WA Bar Exam. But the 4th of July party and thinking about the overseas guy was all worth it. There is so much more to say, but basically: I'm taking my chance.

Last night, I dreamed a crazy dream and these days, songs are running through my head all the time. A couple days ago, it was the Flower Duet from the opera Lakme. Now, just now for some reason, it's the Hall and Oates song, I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) and I had to find it on YouTube and play it a few times over and over. Hence, the title. Who knew they came out with a boxed set last month?

Seattle - I Love You

2009-07-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am so insanely in love with this town - it's going to take me forever to explain why. I want to add a million things to that list I started before. My most recent discovery is that "This American Life" is on at 7 pm on Fridays, so when I am tired and no one is around to hang out with, I have good company.

Moving On

2009-06-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

I am not exactly over it, but I'm definitely getting there. I need another placeholder -- here's what I can put down for now.

Weather in Seattle has been bizarre. This is what's been happening in my life: After an insane and wonderful 20 hour date with a guy who is now overseas for a year (more on that later), I started an excruciating evening class to study for the WA Bar Exam while still working FT at the Union. In an effort to not-obsess about the overseas guy, I started casually seeing someone else (who I'm not that into), and have continued to hang on to my goal of cultivating the tiny seedling of a social life here in Seattle. Oh, and the other morning someone mangled my car in a hit-and-run accident while it was parked on the street outside my apartment. The backdrop to all of this is that an intense heat wave hit the city. Nohting has been normal. I basically haven't been able to concentrate on anything.

For the past several weeks, starting roughly around the time of my Dad's visit in late May, temperatures have climbed from 70-80-90 degrees. The city seemed to revel in it, the warmth & the sun, the summer dresses & the outdoor beer gardens. The trend finally broke about two nights ago, when it suddenly turned monsoon-like. After getting out of class at 9:05 pm, I walked out onto the streets of the U-District and knew right away, it was over. The dark skies, the humid air, and the strange, violent winds -- they seemed to be sweeping everything up. By the time I got home, my windows were practically torn off their hinges and debris had blown in from the open windows. We knew it would end of course. It was too early for true summertime in Seattle. But it was sweet while it lasted. This weird time. Maybe now I can hole up here and study or, at least, write.

I am rethinking the direction of my life. The whole thing with James felt like the end of the line in a certain way. Perhaps not the end of "the" line but the end of "a" line. Like a line on the subway system, like say, the end of the Richmond line. Last week, it dawned on me that I am scared of living my own life, and that I have been using my relationships as default directions for my life. I haven't figured out what to do with this yet, but it is definitely a discovery. If I fail the Bar Exam, I think I would be grateful in way. I felt trapped by James and that relationship (he was right) and I still feel trapped by my job, my lifestyle, and other things. But I am slowly breaking free. I am working on a plan to break free.

Poetry

2009-04-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

Both these items from NPR.

First, most recently, an interview by Terri Gross of W.S. Merwin. Hard to hear him, but I got this quote out of it:

“One is so caught up in middle years & the idea of accomplishing something when in fact the full accomplishment is always with us*.”

(* He actually said "...the full accomplishment is always with one" but I think it sounds better if you substitute the word "us" -- I mean, who talks like that? Do poets really talk like that??)

Second (earlier, perhaps last week), something I heard during evening rush hour. Robert Siegal interviewing Ethan Coen. Made me laugh out loud. Oh, it rang so true! Reading by William Macy was pitch perfect.

'The Drunken Driver Has the Right Of Way'
by Ethan Coen

The loudest have the final say,
The wanton win, the rash hold sway,
The realist's rules of order say
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The Kubla Khan can butt in line;
The biggest brute can take what's mine;
When heavyweights break wind, that's fine;
No matter what a judge might say,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The guiltiest feel free of guilt;
Who care not, bloom; who worry, wilt;
Plans better laid are rarely built
For forethought seldom wins the day;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The most attentive and unfailing
Carefulness is unavailing
Wheresoever fools are flailing;
Wisdom there is held at bay;,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

De jure is de facto's slave;
The most foolhardy beat the brave;
Brass routs restraint; low lies high's grave;
When conscience leads you, it's astray;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

It's only the naivest who'll
Deny this, that the reckless rule;
When facing an oncoming fool
The practiced and sagacious say
Watch out — one side — look sharp — gang way.
However much you plan and pray,
Alas, alack, tant pis, oy vey,
Now — heretofore — til Judgment Day,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

Hope 24/7

2009-01-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Inauguration all day while packing. I spent most of the day listening to I-Day events since I am taking time off-work to move and re-establish myself a few blks away from my current shared residence, sans BF. Still in Seattle though.

A couple of interesting radio programs were exploring:

1. the difference between naive hope and wizened hope

2. the experience for the huddled masses vs. the ticketed audience (more heckling of W, spontaneity vs. scripted stuff)

3. the guy who created the "HOPE" poster you see copied everywhere, including garage doors around here - he's not making any money off that, btw (this via Fresh Air)

...and today (1/21)

3. I spoke to someone who was actually there and had a ticket and he said it didn't really matter b/c everything was so chaotic, but he still had a pretty good attitude about it

4. I heard an NPR program about the purple ticket holders so I guess it's worse than what Jim told me and boy, that would really suck to bring your parents along and drag them out in the freezing cold at 4 am only to be denied entry in front of them, despite your ticket, and treated poorly. Did I hear someone say "lawsuit"? Wonder if they are still feeling that hope.

so, i guess it's not working out & i'm moving

2009-01-08T20:39:00.001-08:00

I play this when I feel crappy (more than usual lately), and it actually makes me feel better. It should be the theme song to Seattle, the city I've just committed to living in for the next year.

The trumpet at around 1'30" is super and so is the ending. So hang in there for the whole song - and hey, sing along. That's what the words are for. I do.

Things I Like About Here

2009-01-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'll have to elaborate later, but for now here's the list:

1. Birdnote on KPLU and Dick Stein behind the big red switch

2. (relative) lack of road rage

3. seeing Mt. Rainier on my drive to work

4. Seattle Public Library

5. the fact that this is one of the most literate cities in the U.S.

6. size of the City is more manageable

7. ferries & the endlessly fascinating geography of Puget Sound

8. local-ness

9. First Nations art

10. closeness to Canada (and like Canada, more nature, fewer people)

11. neon everywhere

12. European Vine Selections and the Mr. Doolittle guy behind the counter

13. Just discovered: Bruce Lee is buried here (hey, cool Asian American people live here!)

the unexpected gift

2008-10-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with the question of appreciation lately. Indulge me in a vignette. I don't know what it means.

I was late to the Auburn courthouse - a courthouse I am totally unfamiliar with (as is the case with every courthouse in the state now) - and I discover, to my horror, the parking lot is totally full. The paid lot next door was one of those where you stick money through a collection slot and just leave, so I needed to have exact change. Since this was 7:30 in the morning and I had never been to Auburn before, I had a hard time finding a convenient place to get change. After driving around aimlessly for several minutes, searching for a Starbucks (aren't they supposed to everywhere around here?), I finally locate a mom-and-pop coffee shop.

I park hurriedly and kind of burst in, somewhat anxious and clearly very type-A city gal in in my fancy dark suit and heels. I ask for a cup of decaf to go. The man behind the counter is nice to me, despite the big cultural chasm and my overall rushed manner. He is good-natured and tells me that he has to make the decaf specially, and starts to do so. I feel it's rude to stop him and say, "Don't bother, I really don't want the coffee. I just want change." And my timing wasn't right, so he starts making the coffee and, of course, it takes forever. I smile a strained smile and try to make small talk, reluctantly. Finally, it's brewed: a single cup of decaf. I offer to pay with a $20 bill. He asks me if I have anything smaller. I apologize and say no. He is so nice, he says, "It's on the house." I insist on paying and he insists it's free, and it goes on like this for a few minutes until the guy next to me in line says he'll pay for my coffee. And I say no, I'll pay for his. In fact, I say, I'll go get change and come back and pay later. But no, no one is having any of it, they're so nice that they insist on just giving it to me, and I don't have to come back. Etc., etc.

Leaving the coffee shop, I am exasperated. I am overwhelmed with feeling simultaneously annoyed and touched. Like God played a joke on me. This was a gift I didn't ask for and pretty much didn't want. At first. But then, driving around to find another coffee shop (a chain store this time) and resigning myself to the fact that I was going to be very late, the meaning of that whole "it's the thought that counts" sentiment really started to sink in. I never really believed in that. But it was such a pure gift on the part of those people in the coffee shop that I needed to just be gracious enough to accept it. And I guess lately, I feel like that's a lot of what life is about.

placeholder - transition to seattle

2008-10-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

to be continued

(it was rough. not much more to say, at this point, i guess.)

"Always go forward, never go back"

2008-08-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

This was a bit of advice from my Corporations professor in law school. Sometimes, they would tuck random advice into their lectures and, sometimes, it actually turned out to be good. This advice stayed with me and echoed in my head, on repeat, as James and I drove from Oakland to Seattle. Partly, due to the fact that we were driving a 16' Penske truck and towing my Honda in a car trailer.

Going backwards was not a good idea in the truck. I said this to him a few times, but he generally just does what he wants when he'd driving. So I had to be prepared for anything. The only really scary moment was pulling into a gas station packed with other cars when someone took our spot and J. wanted to squeeze into another stall. My mind flashed to a picture of us jack-knifed, surrounded by honking cars, not even able to reach the gas pump. Luckily, that didn't happen. We got our gas and got out of there.

Lots of nightmare scenarios like this have surfaced and played themselves out in my mind over and over lately. There are times when we are just not nice to each other. He acts weird and petty in lots of different ways several times a day, and I re-act to every weird little thing he does, and get mean and retaliatory. This is a rough start. But hey, we are here and we are trying to make a go of it - for better for worse. More later.

sometimes you get what you want

2008-07-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of work. Tomorrow is my "official" last day of work, but I won't be there most of the day, so the firm held a farewell lunch for me today. The office manager was good enough to oblige my food requests: catering from my favorite burrito place, cake from a Chinese bakery with fruit and whipped cream instead of butter cream (I hate butter cream, blech).

No one sang songs, but the managing partner said a few words. Then, I said a few words. And then people clapped. And then, then I got presents (presents!) I knew the lunch was coming but gifts made it extra special. Embarassed to sound like a kid, but that's exactly how I felt. It was my party, and I was getting stuff.

This necklace was something I saw in a shop and really wanted but felt it was too much to buy for myself. Nicely done, Sarah. She mentioned it to the managing partner, and he happened to know the owner of the shop, so the firm bought it for me as a going-away gift. I was really surprised and touched.

Leaving lots of nice people behind who have functioned as your alternate family is really hard. That's what working at small, labor law firms in the Bay Area has been like for me. Being adopted into a series of families. Some took better care of me than others ("we put the 'fun' back into dysfunctional"). But they all took care of me.

I know I have an issue with self-care. I have to learn how to take better care of myself. I know, I know, but I don't really know. I haven't fully learned it. Just when I got the hang of taking care of myself, by myself, someone came into my life and upset the balance. Now, I have to re-learn how to take care of myself, this time, in a relationship. Well, that's what I wanted all along. Or so I said. A loving relationship. Here it is. Totally strange to me. Not sure what to do with it yet. I know what to do with the jewelry.

(and P.S. the ring is from my sweetheart)

Courage My Love

2008-07-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

This is not from Toronto. It's from Bali. But I was in Toronto last week when in the middle of a thundershower, I wandered into a store by the name of "Courage My Love." It was a magical kind of store (think Harry Potter meets fashion), with treasures and trinkets of all kinds from strange and distant lands. So I felt this photo was fitting. It's quite a multicultural city, that YYZ.

Toronto, of course, was on account of my Canadian sweetheart who had a conference there - where he totally geeked out (fine by me) and attended virtually all of the sessions, leaving me to my own devices. Loved it. Spent my time hopping on and off subway trains and streetcars and meandering through the streets of Canada's largest city. I enjoyed discovering the neighborhoods and feeling the summer weather. Thundershowers notwithstanding, I was on vacation. It felt, to me, like the first real vacation in a big , long while.

Holy smokes. So much has happened since my last group of totally irregular other postings that it's hard to know how far to back up. Our whirlwind probably started in April. We were nearing his lay-off date or getting notice from the company of his lay-off date or whatever, both of us deep in the throes of personal angst and confusion when we took off to go half-way around the world to attend his friend's wedding.

Maybe he had accepted the job in Seattle by then. I think he must have, since I spent a significant part of our Bali/Taiwan "vacation" interrogating him as to what his "intentions" were. Towards me, of course. Was he going to invite me to move up with him? Was he going to propose marriage? Didn't he want us to be together? How could we be together if we were living in different places? Didn't he want us to have a future together?? Etc., etc. Sometimes (I know this about myself), I can be totally evil and lack all self-restraint. So again, the photo. The Balinese seem to be at peace with evil.

Yeah, I pressured him. And eventually, he succumbed. At least, partially. We returned from Bali/Taiwan, and bounced around on a few more trips: Seattle, L.A., Seattle/Vancouver, Toronto, Seattle, etc. After an extremely stressful weekend, we managed at last to secure a nice apartment in a central neighborhood, around the corner from a cute coffee shop...in Seattle! Last weekend, we parked all his stuff there. And that's where he's at right now, in our apartment (our apartment!) until I join him in August.

In the meantime, I quit my job, accepted a job in Washington, figured out that I need to rent out my place here, realized that I need to make a thousand doctor's appointments before I leave, not yet accepted the fact that I have to pack, scheduled a going-away party instead, and argued with my therapist over and over and over about whether I've made the right choice. To be continued, clearly.

join me

2008-06-01T21:50:00.001-07:00

This is for my friend who is starting a blog at my insistent, annoying urging. I will paste her link on the side. Dear P, if you are reading this, the earlier posts are probably better. (Look to the right for a list.) To my millions of other fans out there, since I finally revealed a secret last time, I will reveal one more: I actually met him in that cooking class. Which means this blog is coming full circle. Great. What will I write about now?

comfort

2007-10-19T18:35:00.001-07:00

Just finished reading a short story by Alice Munro called "Comfort." As soon as I was through, I turned to the first page and started reading it again. I've heard that other people do that, but I've never done it until now.

I wanted to immerse myself in her writing ever since buying a book of hers for a flight back from Montreal. I bought it at an airport bookstore and it cost me $9. (Nine dollars for one short story printed kind of crooked behind an ugly book cover. See photo below.) It was the book-turned-movie "Away From Her." Despite the cheesy book cover, I loved it. It led me to seek out more of Munro's writing almost as soon as I landed.

Sarah Polley wrote the foreword to my expensive little book. Polley is fairly well-known as a Canadian actress. She's about my age. This is the first film she directed. And boy, did she hit a home run. For her directorial debut, she made something thoroughly beautiful and rich with meaning. Did I mention she directed Julie Christie? The foreword contained a memorable observation about love being related to perseverance. I'm not sure if that's the word she used. But close. Something between two people that lasts. Here's someone who doesn't shy away from trying to uncover the mysteries of life.

Mystery. There is something about reading a book of short stories that is like listening to a music album. If you listen again and again and steep yourself in the music, you'll develop a certain sensibility from the artist. It's hard to describe what the sensibility is - the artist's style? their spirit? I sometimes get stuck on a song and play it over and over. This is the first time I've ever been stuck on a story. I don't know what the significance of this is, except that I guess I have a tendency to obsess. And maybe dance around things.

At this point, I'm basically stalling here, not wanting to admit that there's something new in my life. Some-one new. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. It's amazing. He's been around for a year now. He's Canadian. See link below for cheesy photo (for some reason, it comes out as a faint dotted line.)

blooming

2007-04-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

This flower was dormant for 7 years, I kid you not, and it just started to bloom this spring.

I kept it around with just leaves and had given up on my ability to grow actual orchids. But I never threw it out. Hope springs eternal, I guess. One day very recently, all of a sudden a shoot peeked out from within the leaves. Then, like firecrackers, flower buds began to appear. I was sure I'd overwater or underwater them and they would soon fall off, as happened before (the heartache!). But they didn't fall off. I held my breath and tip-toed around this plant for several weeks, trying not to disturb its environment. And then, what do you know.

There are no less than seven blossoms. Seven. (7) Every day I stare at them in amazement. So, hope did not lead to disappointment this time.

wednesdays

2006-10-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm making progress since my 7/14 post re. eating too much take-out. But I am sort of cheating. Instead of eating badly every single nite of the week, on Wednesdays I attend a cooking class. Which means I am forced to semi-cook; we cook in "teams." Which means I can generally rely on other people to do the hard stuff. And then we are rewarded with delicious, freshly cooked, self-prepared meals and a very civilized sit-down dinner at the end of each class. Brilliant. Our teacher is a fan of the farmers' markets, so we use only organic vegetables, Niman Ranch meat, etc. One of the many reasons to never leave the Bay Area.

create for yourselves a new heart a new spirit

2006-07-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

this mural is from the side of the building i work in. the phrase above is the inscription on the white rotunda, the one housing a creepy guy in a mask. like many things about Oakland, it's really random.

it's hot

2006-07-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like getting up at 5 am, watching the sky turn from dark to light, listening to Kind of Blue, and drinking coffee. I used to do this my first year in college. It was the only time my mind was clear enough to do physics homework. Today, it was due entirely to the weather. Slept with all the windows open, which made almost no difference except for the bugs. Tossed and turned, searching for a cool spot on the pillowcase. Felt like a kid again. I haven't been this hot since I was a kid. The heat is astounding for this time of year in this part of the Bay Area. July is normally still cool here.

When the weather's like this, I sometimes feel like I should be out in the City, dancing and walking the streets of the Mission District. But these days I usually suppress the urge, let the feeling pass, and stare out the window -- at the lights that appear on the horizon, above the rooftops of the other condos and against the tiny view I have of the water, the mountain ridge, and the rest of the sky. I heard Flamenco Sketches the other day when someone being interviewed on the radio mentioned Coltrane. The DJ played just enough of this song to lodge in my mind and surface this morning as something I wanted to hear.

things i like

2006-07-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Mexican food and wine are probably two of the best things about living in California (yeah, and the weather too, right). By the way, the link on the side takes you to a great radio station in L.A. that I've been listing to a lot lately. Despite the name, "Metropolis" is a great program. Good station in Seattle too. Wish we had better radio stations here. Oh, while wasting time at work, I read a fantastic article on language. This guy is a hipper, non-conservative version of William Safire. Thank god.

la musica

2006-07-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

(photo from .philipp on flicker)

Got ipod. Opened up the box today. Feel like I'm finally joining the 21st century. Left work early as a further gift to myself. Trying not to overthink everything.

Made time to exercise today. At the gym, the guy on the treadmill next to me was breathing very hard. I could hear him through both our ipods. Thought he was going to pass out. Felt a mixture of concern, disgust, and wonder at how he could pant so loudly and not seem self-conscious in the least. Wondered if he was one of those people who have loud sex. Of course. Tried to tune him out and concentrate on my bangra hip-hop and my breathing.

Movement & music. Great way to release energy. Although I'm conflicted about how we tune each other out, especially in public places. Oh well. For now, oh well.

Heard a great Talk of the Nation interview with Stanley Crouch. He cited Picasso and said something about how artists keep going back to the same themes in their art; how everyone's art is made up of a few things that they keep going back to, again and again.

I'm discovering more about the blog thing everyday. Love it. Helps me reduce the number of times I obessively check email. Thanks to those who sent comments. I feel less alone.

friday night blues

2006-07-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I love how KCSM plays the blues on Friday nites. It's so fitting. Got home from work just now. Was in the office until the cleaning lady came, and then I had to tell her, as gently as I could, that her dusting my office was distracting and could she please clean another office first? (because there are a whole bunch of other offices and I was the only one actually trying to *work* in mine).

And, of course, I felt bad about telling her to get out, but at the same time did not want to be distracted and have to stay all nite and then walk to my car at 10 pm and get mugged. When you work a certain number of hours a day, or a week, or whatever, you just really start to go numb. This is one reason overtime laws should protect us all (but they don't) -- so we can still manage to have feelings at the end of the workday.

This is not the life I want to live. I'm eating takeout too much again. Tonite, I ate leftovers of takeout from yesterday. Which is several degrees of separation from my eating a home-cooked, semi-organic meal, a goal I thought I'd aim for but am failing miserably at, even once a week. At least I've upgraded what I pick up on the way home. And the wine. I drink better wine now that I'm drinking more of it and can tell the difference. As I trifle away what's left of the evening.

This is my Friday nite for now. To all the people (person?) reading this (high-five if you're reading this), I hope you have a good night and retain your sense of humor and bounce your knee a bit to some low-down, dirty blues for me tonite because yeah, I'm feelin it too.

starting to get it

2006-07-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

this is my first attempt at posting something with substance. i've been logging onto the parisdailyphoto site and can understand now how people get sucked in. a community really does spring up from common interests. it's amazing.

i realize that i am behind the curve. deciding whether (and how much) to take on something like this. feels self-indulgent but must be great for writers, and others. another one i've checked is apersonalsite or something like that. would like to find a way to delete earlier posts. experiencing technical difficulties. more later.

idonthaveablog - i do now

2006-07-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

why is there a "title" to each... oh, i am getting this better now. god, i feel like a moron. i am basically just talking to myself in cyberspace when i should be getting some sleep. is this what the internet has been about all this time? this, and porn?